Unhelpful Rules v. Wise Habits: A Reflection on Purity Culture

I've been processing the difference between unhelpful and burdonesome rules as compared to habits and practices that are wise, necessary and life-giving. There's a big difference. I've been ruminating on this topic after recently teaching on Colossians 2:16-23 in which Paul articulates his grave concern that certain spiritual regulations are enticing the church away from Christ. Certainly Paul, when situating his thoughts from Colossians 2:16-23 into the broader biblical narrative, was not advocating for the abolishment of all rules or disciplines in our lives. So how do we think about this well?

It seems to me that unhelpful rules often involve:

• EARNING - As Paul declares in Colossians 2:13 it is God who has made us alive through the work of Christ. Yet, it's easy for many of us to go about our spiritual lives intent on earning God's love and salvation. Dallas Willard brilliantly stated that grace is not opposed to effort but it is opposed to earning.

• EXCLUSION - In the case of Colossians 2:16-23, much of the religious activity was motivated by a heart of exclusion. Mystical polytheists were seeking individual spiritual experiences to separate themselves from others. A certain sect of judaism insisted on rigorous application of the mosaic law from an ethnocentric posture of exclusion. Any rules are regulations intended to create a hierarchy or leave people out have nothing to do with following Jesus.

• SIN MANAGEMENT - Jesus did not die so that we would simply avoid certain sins. Jesus is after our hearts, our desires, our longings. Any rule following that is exclusively focus on outward behavioral modification without concern for the heart are worthless.

• PRIDE - If our spiritual practices are increasing our pride and decreasing our humility, if they are lessening our dependency upon God’s grace and not increasing it, then they are not of Jesus. Paul saw much of the ascetic practices as rooted in pride (Colossians 2:8).

On the contrary, wise habits encourage humility (which includes a humble entrance into community), form our desires (it's about heart transformation, not behavioral modification) and are laser-focused on moving us closer towards Christ.

In an effort to make this big-picture ideological conversation more concrete, I'd like to consider the evangelical purity culture of the 90s and early 2000s as a helpful case study.

My young adulthood took place at the center of purity culture, for better and for worse. I'm thankful that this cultural context instilled a sense of importance about human sexuality. Sex is not simply a game to be enjoyed or a skill to develop. There is something mysterious, deeply significant and holy about human sexuality. Additionally, I'm grateful I was encouraged to take seriously my sexual decision-making and prompted to trust that sex was God's gift for marriage.

However, looking back I'm convinced that purity culture missed the way of Jesus in significant ways. As I consider the aforementioned characteristics of unhelpful rules and regulations I'm struck by the extent to which purity culture encouraged each one of them:

• EARNING - Our understanding of discipleship to Jesus was tragically narrowed. It seemed to me - as observed most of the accountability groups I was a part of - that a daily devotional and making correct sexual decisions was all Jesus cared about. As long as these boxes were checked I was a flourishing disciple whom everyone looked up to. Of course engaging scripture and stewarding sexuality are important elements of following Jesus, but there is so much more. As a result of this narrow vision, making a poor sexual decision led to a maximum amount of shame. This shame cycle caused me to believe I needed to get my sexual act together before approaching God. No one would have said this explicitly, but implicitly it felt like God's love was conditional and I needed to earn it back.

• EXCLUSION - Sexual purity was the key category that separated the righteous from the unrighteous. You would have that that as we read Matthew 25 Jesus separated the sheep and the goats based on who had looked at porn that week. And those who had sex before marriage were uniquely and irrevocably broken.

• SIN MANAGEMENT - I found myself in many accountability contexts in which the blind were leading the blind. We were so obsessed with eliminating certain sexual behaviors that a deep irony began to emerge: we became even more controlled by our sexuality. We were so busy white-knuckling our way to sexual purity that we paid little attention to what our heart was actually desiring. We could go months without looking at pornography yet our desire to do so was increasing. We could resist the temptation to have sex with our girlfriends while diving head first into a fantasy world in our minds. Was this the good life that Jesus invited us into?

• PRIDEFUL - Those of us who found a way out of cycles of unhelpful sexual behavior now faced an equally daunting and difficult challenge: avoiding self-righteousness. When one finds consistent victory in an area marked with unprecedented importance, it's easy to deem others as more in need of God's grace than we are. Although the sin of pride and self-righteousness is far more socially acceptable in most church contexts than sexual sin, it was never acceptable to Jesus.

I know my church leaders and mentors had good intentions and genuinely cared for me. But as so many of my peers are now realizing and articulating, the dynamics of purity culture came with a lot of unintended consequences.

I spent years struggling despite the countless hours of accountability and incalculable amounts of effort. When I finally experienced significant breakthrough it didn't come from trying harder or increasing feelings of guilt. In what I can only describe as an act of undeserved grace, my desire for and trust in God began to grow. An increased affection for Jesus transformed the choices I was making and the way I was going about it all.

Anyone who has played on a variety of sports teams has no problem remembering the many coaches they had. For example, if we played under a coach that primarily engendered fear in us and who were were scared to death to disappoint, those emotions are easy to access years later. In the short term this kind of coaching can profoundly impact our behavior and level of discipline. But overtime the love of the game diminishes and we are left burnt out and exhausted.

On the contrary, a coach who unconditionally cares for their players despite performance and instills a love and enjoyment of the game opens up a whole new space to play sports: one characterized by joy and love. We remain disciplined and desire to please our coaches but from a completely different psychological and emotional place. And ironically, we get get better and still put in the work.

This describes my spiritual journey so well, and helps me understand the different between exhausting and unproductive rules verses life-giving discipline. One leads to burden and burnout. The other leads to joy and love.