Church: A Place of Hurt and Healing

I've faithfully followed a podcast that carves out space for those who struggle with corrupt American expressions of Christianity yet find Jesus true, beautiful and compelling. In their 300th episode listeners were encouraged to call in and respond to the following questions:

What are you grieving/lamenting about the church?

What gives you hope as you look at the church?

I decided to responded this way:

"I lament the fact that so many people like myself have been fired or pushed out of churches because of their heart for social justice. I am hopeful because this disillusionment is leading us towards a holy discontentment with the church. As a result, idolatry that has infiltrated the church is being exposed and a remnant is moving towards a more jesus-centered faith."

I've been hurt by the church intensely. I've slugged my way through tremendous disillusionment. The best word I can think of to describe what it's like to enter into the church again is VULNERABILITY. Vulnerability means risk. What if I put myself out there only to get hurt again? What if the next church decides to fire me the moment I push back on something?

Vulnerability means emotional exposure. What if my authenticity and honesty are used against me like before? What if my commitment to the church can't survive another toxic situation?

My counselor believes my journey with the church has overlap (not the same!) to someone's journey of recovery after a toxic or abusive marriage. It might actually be best, although extremely difficult, for an abused woman to process the pain with a male counselor. She must lean into the very source of her trauma to heal. Can she ever establish a healthy relationship with men again by avoiding them altogether? More than likely she will have to experience a good and healthy relationship in the future to rebuild. Similarly, is it possible for me to heal from church wounds by sprinting the other way? Discovering good and beauty in the church again can be the most powerful source of healing.

Over a year has passed since my professional and personal life was turned upside down. I was quickly fired from a church because of my passion to ensure that justice was a way of life for our community. Church can't get much more discouraging than a group of white wealthy christians insisting the gospel is about individual spiritual transformation in order to dismiss cries of pain and suffering from vulnerable people.

I've just recently begun a new pastoral role in a different church and denominational setting. Sometimes you have to move to a whole new environment to make church viable again! I knew I couldn't go back into a similar context but thank goodness the church has a variety of streams. I'll never forget my first day on the job because it was my first time back in church after a 10 month break. As the first worship song began I was overcome with emotion. The intensity surprised me. I felt naked. I was standing in the same environment that caused life's greatest pain and disillusionment.

As the weeks moved forward, wise self-talk was my lifeline. "I can choose to be safe and keep everyone at arm's length or I can choose intimacy. I can't have both". Some days it seemed preferable to run away or habitually slip in and out of the back row. But will I miss something important?

Many of us are convinced in the truth and beauty of Jesus but don't know what to do with formal expressions of Christianity. The easier path is to discard the whole thing, critique from the sidelines and convince ourselves that listening to podcasts will be enough. What if we didn't give up that easily on the church? What if the only way to heal from church wounds was to have them treated by the grace and beauty of the church itself?

Like most topics, finding the balance between extremes is critical. On the on hand, we can enter into church with an unhealthy expectation that a utopian Christian community will be discovered. Dietrich Bonhoeffer called this a "wish dream" mentality towards church. It's just that....a dream. It doesn't exist.

On the other hand, an expectation that church's aren't perfect can lead to a watering down of real concerns and a complacency in the face of toxic culture, harmful dogmatism, spiritual abuse and self-righteous exclusion. Yes, churches are made up of broken people and therefore are broken. But this recognition should lead to courageous confession and confrontation of real sin that hurts people and distorts what Jesus looks like.

Despite the churches all-too-obvious imperfection we just don't have permission anywhere in the scriptures to love Jesus and hate his people. Yes, the people are broken with incomplete theologies and hypocrisy (just like each of us). We must courageously critique what doesn't look Iike Jesus without slipping into contempt. A most difficult task indeed.

Kaitlyn Sheiss, in an offhand comment made on the holy post podcast, said something that made me stop in my tracks. I re-listened about 5 times. When sharing why she remains in the church despite having experienced the ugliness she said:

"Over the last year have had a horrible experience with church. I lost a job over political chaos at my church and was deeply hurt and saw the consequences of that in really awful ways. And I think if there was ever going to be a moment when I questioned being a part of a church, when I questioned the way God has called me to speak into the life of the church, it would be right after all of that happened....by the grace of God I feel like right after that was the moment that I was more in love with the church than I have ever been because I have seen the horrible stuff and yet I have also seen really beautiful stuff and I love it so much because I see the brokenness and because I see what it can be, what I believe God's intention for his people is. And when I see how we don't match up it makes my love for the church fiercer because I want this to be different. I want this to be better. I also don't know a life outside of a community of people that for all of their mistakes and the times they have hurt me have also kept me in check....In the moment I thought I was most going to give up on this whole thing God miraculous gave me a stronger love for this really messed up but also beautiful family of God and I can't really get around that."

That is my story.