A Theology of Vulnerability
Healthy relationships take an insane amount of work. If we are serious about rolling up our sleeves and doing the hard work of relationships then significant self-examination is required. It's not just what others may or may not do to us that hinders the flourishing of a relationships. It's often the ways in which we, consciously or subconsciously, keep others at arms length.
In the book Leadership and Self Deception an important metaphor is given for self-examination. The book argues that we often enter a box in relationships. Picture a giant cardboard box that we enclose ourselves within. When life gets hard and people disappoint us, retreating into the box is enticing. Since life is consistently hard and people routinely dissapont us, this box feels like a pretty good place to go much of the time. As we enter, either a victim or a hero narrative plays in our heads which blocks us from intimacy and connection with others. Despite feeling safe and comfortable, the box puts a ceiling affect on the health of our relationships.
Different reasons for entering into the box
With the box metaphor in mind, it's important to remember that the place from which we enter the box varies significantly. But in most cases a broken relationship with our own selves is a primary culprit.
Here's what I mean...
We live in a world that is less than God's intended design. Sin and brokenness abounds and manifests itself in multiple directions: a broken relationships with God, with others and with creation itself. But we also have a broken sense of self.
One the one hand, we can think too highly of ourselves. Pride, narcissism and self-righteous judgementalism flow from this place and deeply impact our relationships.
On the other hand, we can think too low of ourselves. We struggle with self-hatred, crippling insecurities and can beleive that we are not worthy of love.
Both of these broken views of self move us into this box and contribute to the victim or hero narratives that take place there.
Liberation from the box
What liberates us - sets of free - from this relational box? It's vulnerability. I don't think there is any way around this. No matter how you slice it, no matter the relational context that motivated us to move into the box, vulnerability is the ticket out. This means liberation from the box does not come easy. Why? Because vulnerability takes great courage. As Brene Brown highlights in much of her work, intrinsic to vulnerability is risk, emotional exposure and loss of control.
When we are vulnerable with another we can't control the outcome which is why its a risky endeavor in which we feel exposed. We could be laughed at. We could be judged. We could be misunderstood. The impressive image that we curated from a distance might be tarnished. We could experience someone slowly moving away from us overtime.
If vulnerability is what liberates us from the box and into relationships characterized by trust, intimacy and connection, then we need to think thoughtfully about what vulnerability is and what is isn't.
Healthy v. Unhealthy Vulnerability
I'd like to suggest that healthy vulnerability, particularly in the context of discipleship to Jesus, has three main components:
Disclosure: We must quit the facade and share about something going on in our life that is either entirely unknown or incompletely presented. Maybe it's an area of temptation or addiction. Maybe it's being real about an insecurity that keeps us from being our true selves. Maybe it's taking the risk to share with another person how they have hurt us. Whatever form it takes, disclosure must happen. As Brene Brown rightly points out, disclosure by itself is NOT vulnerability. I've heard her say "sharing about waxing your bikini line on Facebook is not vulnerability". It's not vulnerability because it misses two other important ingredients....
Wisdom: Is this the right person(s)? Is this the right time? is this the right place? To stop, slow down and consider these important questions takes wisdom and discernment. Not everyone has to know, but someone should know. Sometimes (usually) social media is not the place. Our felt need to disclose should be filtered through these questions.
Purpose: Is my disclosure merely an attention seeking behavior? Is my vulnerability performative because I know it will be celebrated here? Or am I being vulnerable because I want to be transformed into a better person with healthier relationships?
With these ingredients in mind, I propose this definition of vulnerability in the context of discipleship to Jesus:
Vulnerability is the courage to let our true selves be seen so that we can be transformed by intimate relationships with God and others.
Developing a theology of vulnerability from the scripture.
The scripture has a lot to say about vulnerability. We would do well to develop a theology of vulnerability, something I haven't seen enough of. For the purposes of this post, I want to hone in one one important aspect of vulnerability, but I'll give a quick nod to other aspects components of a solid theology of vulnerability:
Vulnerability must be multi-directional (to God and to others): James 5:16, 1 John 1:8-9
The Psalms give us permission to express our full, vulnerable selves to God
Vulnerability is a pathway to healing: Proverbs 28:13, James 5:16, 1 John 1:9
In the coming of Jesus and his ministry that led him to the cross, we see the vulnerability of God as he enters into our pain, suffering and mess to restore relationships.
In addition to these concepts we learn through the apostle Paul that vulnerability and weakness is actually STRENGTH. The Christian faith is full of paradoxes. Fully God and fully human. Three and one. Love and enemies somehow go together. And weakness is actually strength. We see this understanding of vulnerability and weakness most clearly fleshed out in 2 Corinthians 12. In verses 5-10 we read:
I will boast only about my weaknesses. If I wanted to boast, I would be no fool in doing so, because I would be telling the truth, But I won't do it, because I don't want anyone to give me credit beyond what they can see in my life or hear in my message. Even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from being proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, 'my grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness'. So now I am glad to boast about my weakness so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Let's take a step back remind ourselves of the man who penned these words. This passage is something Paul would have NEVER said or endorsed before meeting Jesus. Never in a million years.
Paul's transformed ministry imagination
Before being Paul, he was Saul of Tarsus. Born a Jew, he was proud and zealous for his religious heritage and was schooled as a Pharisee under a celebrated rabbi named Gamaliel. The Pharisees were a sect of Judaism that was intensely concerned with resurrection and the re-establishment of the reign of God. As Pauline scholar Tim Gombis puts it, the Pharisees understood resurrection as:
"God fulfilling his promises to Israel, liberating them from their oppressors, pouring out the fullness of his restorative work on creation, and setting up his rule on earth with Israel prominently situated at at the center of God’s reign"
For Paul, God's people had to be purged of sin and sinners in their midst. This, combined with an extreme faithfulness to the torah, were the prerequisites for resurrection. In his great book Power and Weakness Tim Gombis goes on to say something fascinating:
“Paul’s aims were nearly the same before his encounter with the Lord Jesus on the road to Damascus as they were afterward. Prior to his conversation Paul was vigorously engaged in attempting to bring about resurrection life for God’s people on earth”
What a fascinating observation to consider. What radically changed for Paul on the road to Damascus was not his ultimate aim to bring about God's resurrection life and do all that he could to create space for God to establish his kingdom and rightful reign over all things. The end stayed in tact but the means were radically transformed and turned upside down. Paul remained intensely concerned about God's resurrection life and kingdom, but the means required looked polar opposite to Saul of Tarsus.
Prior to meeting Jesus, Paul's vision for ministry (and he would have seen what he was doing as ministry that was blessed by God) focused on:
Impressiveness: Paul was a respected, valued and highly esteemed person within his religious tribe. Due to his own personal faithfulness to the torah, expansive knowledge, and level of zeal, Paul was sure that God viewed him in the same way.
Accumulation of credentials and social status: We see earlier in 2 Corinthians and in Phillipians 3:5-6 Paul literally list out some of the impressive credentials that he found identity in prior to meeting Jesus. On the hierarchy of impressive religious folks, he was at the top.
Coercion: Saul was convinced that God sponsored his violence against Jesus followers or any movement that threatened the purity of the Jewish people. From a place above others, Paul coercively, even violently, sought to bring about God's kingdom on earth.
On the road to Damascus everything changed. Paul was blessed by some religious leaders in Jeruselum to travel to Damascus and arrest followers of "the way" and drag them back to Jerusalem. In Pauls mind, because Jesus was executed on a roman cross he bore the curse of God, not the blessing of God. This Jesus movement was full of problems and distractions.
As Paul pens these words in 2 Corinthians, some 20 years after his life-altering encounter with Jesus, his ministry imagination and vision had been transformed. Instead of impressiveness, accumulation of credentials and status and coercive power being primary modes of ministry, he was instead animated by:
Humility: Paul begins to identify as a sinner. Not in some sort of self-hatred, shame-based way. Instead, Paul recognizes that he was first in line in need of God's grace. Prior to Jesus he was at the back f the line. Perhaps he didn't event need to be in line at all given his religious impressiveness.
Weakness and vulnerability. All of a sudden Paul is vulnerable about his areas of weakness and suffering. A remarkable turn of events from the celebrated Saul of Tarsus.
Before we take a look at 2 Corinthians 12:5-10 again with Paul's transformation in the back of our minds, there is important context to mention.
The Super-Apostles
Throughout the letter of 2 Corinthians we hear about these "super-apostles" (perhaps self-identified, perhaps called this by others) who have given Paul, and the Corinthians church, all sorts of trouble. Who were they? According to N.T. Wright and Michael Bird, the most plausible case is they were Jewish Christians who came to Corinth boasting in their privileges status as Jews. They even brought letters of recommendation with them to Corinth from other notable leaders to accumulate more acclaim and attention. They were sophisticated and educated, no doubt impressive in their oratory skill and persuasive techniques. They were the kind of people that others would pay to hear speak. The super-apostles began trash-talking about Paul claiming he was inferior.
In 2 Corinthains 10 Paul begins to address the toxic influence of these influential celebrities (boy oh boy would Paul have some things to say to the American church these days). It's in this context that we read again 2 Corinthians 12:5-10:
I will boast only about my weaknesses. If I wanted to boast, I would be no fool in doing so, because I would be telling the truth, But I won't do it, because I don't want anyone to give me credit beyond what they can see in my life or hear in my message. Even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from being proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, 'my grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness'. So now I am glad to boast about my weakness so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
The Super-apostles are stuck in the same ministry imagination that Paul was in prior to meeting Jesus. They want to establish authority and influence through working their way up the relational hierarchy and leading from a place of superiority. Consequently, only the impressive things were revealed. The corinthians church started to drink the kool-aid. Consequently, they were enticed away from Paul, and more importantly, the gospel that Paul brought to Corinth that was all about Jesus' cross shaped love and resurrection life.
Weakness as strength?
Paul refuses to play by their game with their tactics. He could stoop to their level and begin pridefully rattling off his impressive accomplishments and encounters with God (v. 6) but instead he has a commitment to a cruciform way of living and leading. Instead of announcing his spiritual resume he articulates his own weakness, vulnerability and need for God's grace. This must have felt like a huge risk. How would the church respond? Would this seal the deal and cause them to officially leave his pastoral care to be discipled under more impressive leaders?
When Paul declares "For when I am weak, then I am strong", what does he mean? The slogan makes for a quote on Christian merchandise but do we understand the truth behind this assertion? As we consider the context of Paul's life and ministry in Corinth I think he means at least these two things:
It is through weakness and vulnerability that we find resurrection life. As Paul embraced the cross of Christ, he realized the the resurrection life of God came through cruciform postures, not through power, coercion, control and impressive social status. The cross reminds us that resurrection life bursts forth through humility, vulnerability and weakness. So often we want it the other way. We convince ourselves that God's life is found in and around impressive and powerful people and institutions whose accomplishments are the talk of podcasts, documentaries and magazines. But such thinking moves us away from the cross. Perhaps many of us feel disappointed in church and our spiritual lives because we are looking for resurrection life in all the wrong places.
Weakness and vulnerability pull us into communion with God and community with others. When our inflated sense of self puts us in a "box" we convince ourselves of our independence. Not only do we want to succeed in life, even in our spiritual life, but we want that success for our own glory. We don't just want freedom from addiction, we freedom to be the result of our own impressive willpower. We don't just want to engage Christian community, we want church without mess, pain and struggle. Yet, if we, like Paul, embrace weakness and vulnerability as strength, we will find the very thing we need: meaningful, intimate relationships with God and others.
Closing
So, in order to get out of the "box" we must be courageously vulnerable. There is no other way out. The box won't magically disappear. Perhaps it will be vacant for a little while, but we will find our way back.
We just ask ourselves these important questions: How do we show up to community? With a predominant desire to impress? or a predominant desire for intimacy and authentic connection?
Here's the thing...we can't have both. A commitment to impress and intimate relationships go together like oil and water. If our desire to impress wins the day, we may notice a lot of people that admire us from a distance. But it's from a distance. Like an actor who gathers himself before the curtain lifts, we begin to perform to keep the crowd impressed.
When we let go of a desire to impress, and instead courageously pursue relationships characterized by vulnerability, there may be fewer people worshipping our impressiveness. But we will open the door for intimacy and transformation.
A couple of months ago I settled in for a half-day meeting with some other pastors at my church. We had gathered off-site to spend some time in reflection and conversation as we developed core values for our church. The meeting began with a typical "how is everyone doing?" question. We know how this scenario often plays out. We circle around the room, each giving a somewhat superficial answer before moving on to the real meat and potatoes of the meeting. But not this time. A pastor on staff decided to take the risk, get out of the box and be vulnerable. He opened up about significant struggles he was going through in his role at the church. He provided some important backstory that gave context to the insecurities, struggles and discouragement he was experiencing as a pastor. There was no performance. There was no rush to a silver lining. Just vulnerability.
He knew this was the time, this was the place and these were the people.
In this moment I was reminded that vulnerability is contagious. His courage multiplied and spread around the room. Other women and men in the meeting decided they wouldn't settle for performative answer either. As I look back, this was the most sacred, meaningful and intimate moment I have had to date at The Meeting House.
In this moment I was reminded that vulnerability is a gift. Somehow we convince ourselves that people feel burdened and uncomfortable with vulnerability. I wonder why we think this way? As I look back at my own life I can't remember a single time where healthy vulnerability was anything less than a wonderful gift to that community. It always is.
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