A New Kind of Grind: Lessons From Unemployment
Henri Nouwen once asserted that the three primary lies we face are:
I am what I have
I am what I do
I am what people say of me
If these lies whisper in my ear when life is normal it feels like they yell into a megaphone when I am unemployed.
As an enneagram 3 I especially resonate with Nouwen's assertion. He's right, there is a daily conflict that takes place regarding where I am going to anchor my identity. This struggle intensifies when the place we find much of our financial provision, weekly structure, relational connection and sense of accomplishment has disappeared
The difficulty of being jobless transcends the urgent pragmatic concerns, but they are still very real. For example, all of life feels up in the air for us. I see more clearly than ever before how much of life is oriented around stable employment. The following questions relentlessly surface: Will we be able to stay in our home long term? Will our kids need to change schools? Will we be able to live near the relationships that mean so much to us? Can we afford getting a kitten for our kids for Christmas? Will I be able to have a job that works well with our family schedule?
These practical questions are significant, yet the challenges go beyond urgent pragmatic concerns about checking account balances and monthly mortgages. I'll be honest, my sense of value and worth seems a bit more fragile these days. I wish unemployment posed no threat to my sense of identity but that's not true. On a day when I get another rejection letter, no good jobs are posted, the house is a mess and I don't feel productive it's easier to feel less valuable.
As an enneagram 3 I have a strong subconscious motivation to look impressive to others. Consequently I want to avoid failure at all costs and do everything with excellence. Heck, I even want to crank a home run on being unemployed! Personally, this impulse to look impressive manifests itself less like the ladder-climbing executive who wants to drive a BMW and more like the non-profit leader executing a meaningful mission.
My job provided a space to be thoughtful, productive and contribute value to the world in ways that were visible to others. It's hard to quantify "success" right now. I'm not wowing my neighbors by walking around the block in my slippers with my kids in the middle of the afternoon like I was when I got back from speaking in front of 400 people.
Yet, I'm convinced this season of unemployment has much to teach me. With the right perspective and a lot of grace I can emerge from this time of unemployment a better man.
I find myself consistently falling back on these three truths:
Calling transcends career. In modern American society we often worship at the alter of career. Our significance and success is wrapped up in a job that we perform. For many Christians, career has become synonymous with calling. If we conflate the two we often: 1) diminish the meaningful work before us beyond what we do for a paycheck and, 2) leave our calling at risk when underemployment or unemployment comes knocking on our door. It's time for me to practice what I've preached. My calling as a Jesus-follower can include, but must transcend my career. Regardless of my circumstances there are endless ways to love God and love my neighbor each and every hour. This is the will of God for my life. I see calling as more personal. I like how Jerry Sittser puts it in The Will of God as a Way of Life: calling is a "specific vision of how God wants us to use our time, energy and abilities to serve him in the world". With this definition in mind, my calling included, but was not limited to my job. Just because I filed for unemployment didn't mean I was downgrading my calling.
When I stop to consider what is on my plate of responsibilities each day I'm struck with how meaningful it all is. I'm feeding, educating, playing and caring for my three children each day. I've never been more physically present with them. I'm with my wife more than ever before and we are able to approach life as a team in unique ways. There are friends and neighbors we have increased bandwidth to be mindful of and care for. When I recognize that my calling was never exclusively wrapped up in my job I'm able to enter a week of unemployment and see that it's budding with meaning and purpose.
All I have is the present moment. Atheists, agnostics and people of faith can all agree on this one. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Life is beautiful and tragic. Joy-filled and painful. If I'm living vicariously through my past or being distracted by the future I'm pulled away from the present.
An important thought dawned on me the other day: it's my own fault if I can't enjoy certain aspects of being unemployed. For example, my family and I did a spontaneous trip to a cabin in the woods via credit card points last week. I noticed at the cabin, like many other moments during unemployment, that it's hard to enjoy even moments like a cabin in the woods when your mind is always racing to unknown, stress and uncertainty. On a walk in the snow dusted forest it hit me like a ton of bricks...if I can't enjoy a spontaneous trip to a cabin with my family then I've got a problem!. Sometime I feel like I can't give my self permission to enjoy life until I get a job again. What a ridiculous notion. Perhaps I can feel this way because it feels good to play the victim or throw a pity party sometimes. Yet, being present to the present moment is the best way to live with joy and to be formed into a better person. THIS moment on the floor with my kids playing dinosaurs is all that I have. I ought to enjoy it.
Reasons to be grateful are always there. Grace and gifts abound if I have the discipline and desire to acknowledge them. Ironically, even though a paycheck isn't there I recognize my privilege more than ever before. When my younger brother called offering his basement if our family ever had to move out of our home I realized that my rock bottom was a comfortable life for most people on planet earth. When my older brother offered to pay for a YMCA family membership in order to care for our physical and emotional health during a difficult time I noticed the practical ways people were caring for us. When a group of friends decided to compile their resources and give generously to our family I noticed the countless safety nets that I have. When my daughter tells me "you are the best daddy in the whole world" more now than she has ever before (perhaps because of the increased shared experiences we have had together) I see how children can be incredible conduits of God's grace.
Don't misunderstand me. The loss of a job amidst a global pandemic is difficult and stressful. I don't think spiritual maturity is found is putting on a mask, reciting Christian platitudes and twisting everything into silver linings. It's important to be authentic with ourselves and others regarding the challenges of life even when others have it much worse. They are still challenges. Yet, I've realize how easy it is to fixate on the negatives and hesitate to celebrate the positives. There are days I just don't want to be positive. It feels good sometimes to sulk but it never leads me anywhere healthy. During the hardest few months of my life I have seen gifts and grace everywhere.
Unemployment is a different kind of grind. The full-time working life with kids was often exhausting but the life of Mr. Mom in the mornings and job searching in the afternoons is just as physically and emotionally taxing. This new grind presents different challenges. Yet, I remember that my calling is still in tact and that grace abounds. I recall that my sense of value isn't dependent on impressive tasks I'm accomplishing. I realize that the good life was never about a paycheck and a job title to begin with. Life pulses with meaning and joy if I have the eyes to see it.
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